I often joke that I am the record holder for most restarts in my sober day count. Some could argue it's not a laughing matter, but honestly, I'm OK with it. My journey has been on and off more times than a tart's knickers (are we allowed to say that anymore?!). Each time, I kicked myself. Sometimes I cried and felt sad that again I had let myself down and made the wrong choice.
Nowadays, as I type I am 12 days sober, which may surprise you. It's really important to me to be honest. What else have we got? Do I consider my dips in and out of drinking again relapses? For me, no. For others, it may be helpful to consider them that. But I don't consider myself to have a drinking issue serious enough to warrant that word. Words are just words, but they are also clues as to the context of any situation, and for me, I don't feel relapse as a word is accurate. One thing I love about the modern sober movement is that we get to choose out own words to describe our recovery, sobriety, whatever you want to call it.
Yes, I do have an issue with alcohol, or else I wouldn't have chosen to stop (all of those times!). I KNOW it makes me feel shitty. Which is why I try not to do it. But on the times I choose to, wrong as it was on those occasions, I think it really was a matter of the desire to drink, to throw caution to the wind, was greater than the need to know I would feel good the next day. Call it a fuck it moment, call it a self destructive thing. Call it what you want. A poor choice?
On my journey I have developed such a sense of self compassion, that now, if and when it happens, I can dust myself off and know that I can begin again.
So can you.
It doesn't matter if it's the millionth or the tenth, you can always start over.
It's the act of starting over that becomes the thing to focus on. That brave, dust yourself off energy that I always feel overrides the 'shame' or regret of choosing unwisely. Shame and regret, and especially staying quiet, can often lead to drinking again and again, in some effort to make yourself think that it wasn't a bad choice. I've done that too. Trying to stand firm in my choice. My choice to drink. Trying to make it work. Trying to drink, and then feel like shit, and be OK with it.
But I can't do that anymore. I have noticed that when I do slip up now, I drink way less. I use my tools (drink loads of water, try to eat before bed, take multivits in the morning) and I quickly go into forgiveness, not trying to make it OK by talking myself into it being the right choice, despite my body thronging with the knowledge it wasn't.
I actually admire myself for always keeping going. Sure, I'd be really way more proud of myself if, that first time I tried to quit drinking about ten years ago, had ben my last... but it wasn't. My own type of drinking is the type where it's very easy to say 'it's not that bad', everyone drinks like you! So I give myself grace. I am making progress. I am clocking up a lot of sober time. A lot. Months. Then a slip up. Then more months. The majority of my life these past ten years, by a huge amount, has been sober.
Mostly, the reasons not to drink outweigh the reasons to. The main one being, that I LOVE feeling clear, calm, loving, spacious, relaxed. As opposed to irritable, grouchy, exhausted, anxious and agitated. The agitation is just awful. And I have never ever in my life thought, 'ah this agitation and deep self loathing is worth it, what a night?!'. NEVER! I always regret it.
Eventually the data just adds up. It slaps you round the face like, these are just FACTS at this point. You finally get it. Drink isn't serving you. There is no argument. No grey area. No third door, as Laura McKeown puts it.
So, if you are like me, and feel like a fraud, as you are choosing to drink sometimes, even though you are pretty much mostly a sober person, it's OK...
You don't need to worry about labels anymore. You're doing your best. Keep going.
Instead of berating yourself, ask these questions: is my life better when I don't drink? What can I do to support more sober days? What is my sober toolkit when I feel the urge to drink? Who can I share with regularly about my drinking issues? What are the occasions when I feel the urge? What can I do in those moments to choose better? What's my plan if I do drink? To stay safe and to reduce harm? Do you want loved ones to check in on you? Ultimately, if you are very worried, the option is always there: you don't have to go.
Are you someone who has many restarts? If so, you may find my yoga sober meet ups useful! Link below.
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My sober yoga classes begin in December! Mondays and Fridays at 1pm GMT. Book online here! I'll always meet you exactly where you are, sober or sober curious, all welcome.
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